guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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