its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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