Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
