just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
