I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
