ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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