We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
