Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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