i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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