Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
and you fell through a lawn chair
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
