You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
