We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
