Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
