You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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