I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
wanna go halves on a baby?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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