Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
