Only a mothe r could love this liver
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
