why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
