I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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