need another drink. this is the easiest way
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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