the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
