think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
