3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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