What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
