Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
