Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
