Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
only you would photoshop your dick
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
