I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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