Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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