Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
