you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
