ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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