Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
not ubering you a puppy
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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