i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
