i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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