I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
