If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
