The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
