70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
