So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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