Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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