Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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