seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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