so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
