You smell like a Billy Joel song
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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