A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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