she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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