1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
please come you make the beer taste better
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
