That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
