Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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