Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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